1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can’t just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.
2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation.
3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don’t, it’s your own fault when he’s snoozing and you’re all wound up.
4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It’s a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it’s not his fault.
5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn’t unreasonable, but when it’s time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you
6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and
romance. Sometimes, that’s nice. Sometimes. But
expecting him to be all roses and candles all the
time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all
the time. If you’re not willing to do that, don’t
expect him to switch for you.
7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that
Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just
about us. Get over it.
8. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I dont know who
comes up with half that shit, but I’m pretty sure
they need counseling.
9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his
cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he’s
pushing, skippy? Because you aren’t doing it right,
and have apparently ignored the other clues he’s
given you. Pay attention to the signals that he’s
10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse
to do nothing.
11. Expecting him to undress himself with any
amount of grace. He’s about to get some pussy. Be
glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off.
If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.
12. Not shaving your legs. Im pretty bad at this
myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you
better get out the razor.
13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon.
Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don’t want to
go bare. Thats fine. If you like bush, great. If you
have sensitive skin and can’t shave, I feel for you.
But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want
him to spend any time down there.
14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The
only relationship you have is that he has now stuck
his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That’s as far as it
goes unless otherwise noted.
15. Withholding oral sex just because you’re
ragging. He didn’t do it. Unless you want him to
withhold oral sex because he’s hormonal, I
suggest you get some kneepads.
16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by
what noise you make. Use your words. Have you
ever actually heard what you sound like while
you’re having sex? If you heard yourself on tape,
and someone asked you to explain what was
causing you to make that noise, 67% of women
would respond with answers like “I stubbed my
toe” “I ran up the steps” or “I was putting up
17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you’re sexually
active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest
buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all
men keep them on them, and it’s just as much
your responsibility as it is his. If you think that
makes you a slut, you shouldn’t be having sex
anyway. Go back to Jr High.
18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks
dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you
with respect all the time, you shouldn’t be
offended when he calls you his dirty little slut.
When he calls you a whore and tells you to come,
its his way of showing that he cares if you get off.
Stop being a sissy.
19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is
shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the
bedroom is fun.
20. Dissing quickies because it’s not some slow
sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. Theres an
awesome raw energy when you only have 20
minutes but having to have someone so bad that
you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust
21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is
or isn’t acceptable before you start bumping
uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in
the butt, and you giggle and say no like it’s an
invitation, don’t look surprised when he
“accidentally” sticks his cock in your butt.
22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on
almost every day. I know for a fact that getting
them off isn’t always easy. Help a brother out.
23. Undressing in the dark. If youre shy, dim the
lights, but give the man something to see. No
ripping off the clothes and diving under the
24. Refusing to get on top. Theres no reason men
should have to do all the work.
25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are
more visual than women. Give him something to
look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit.
Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not
dead and 2) didn’t suffer a minor stroke rendering
you unable to move.
26. Expecting him to do all the touching when
you’re riding him. It’s your body, you’re used to it.
Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to
make his job easier.
27. Being too afraid to guide your partner’s hand
when hes touching you. Don’t like the way he’s
doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how
you like it.
28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around
and then deciding that you just want to cuddle,
then getting offended when he doesn’t. Its your
choice to stop, but don’t look all fucking surprised
when he’s confused. You got him naked in your
bed, what else did you think was going to happen?
29. Refusing to let him take control. So your a
feminist. Big fucking deal. Letting him call the
shots doesn’t make you any less of one.
30. Refusing to take control. Its ok to crawl across
a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl
on top. It’s not his responsibility to start things all
31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be
touched, too. Men have things like backs and
shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are
fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places
by concentrating solely on his penis.
32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there.
Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a
relationship with them, just don’t ignore them.
33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is
worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off
and then bolts because she doesn’t want to deal
with the mess.
34. Launching into some speech about not being
an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you.
Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy
yourself. You get a great view.
35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain
doll. I’d hate to be the bearer of bad news, but
you’re not going to break, sister. So doing it
against the wall gives you a bruise on your
shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the
36. Refusing to try things in the name of “making
love”. You’re not making anything. You are naked.
With another person. Making strange faces and
weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.
37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny.
Actually it’s hilarious. Somewhere along the line,
someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head
on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or
trip over a goat. It’s how you deal with it that
38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3 some.
Its the American dream. (I know my ex is reading
this right now, so a quick interjection. One request
for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much.
Know the difference).
39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have
god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of
40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down
your partners back. Its another when you snag the
goods with a claw.
41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You’re
having sex. That will happen. Thats the entire
point of sex. Establish where he can and cant jizz
and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the
42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his
name. Something so he knows he’s the best you’ve
had, even if he isn’t.
43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don’t. By faking (IF he
believes you) he thinks he’s doing everything
right. And if he doesn’t know its not working, he’s
not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of
unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very
damaging to his ego.
44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is
spontaneous, this is more of a general statement.
If you haven’t showered that day, and things smell
a little…fishy…perhaps demanding oral sex is a
little ridiculous of you.
45. Anything that involves inserting anything into
his body that he has not specifically approved
before hand. I don’t care what Cosmo says, some
things are simply not pleasant surprises.
46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other
messy but fun things because you have
541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that
were made by hand by the only person alive
capable of sewing that pattern. They’ll wash.
47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex.
Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not
the time to remove it, you can do that later. And
really fucking you with your hair in a ratty
scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all
its cracked up to be.
48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is
one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so
you can get the other ones in the washer and then
sanitizing everything your naked body might have
possibly passed by is not the way to do it.
49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard
on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It
happens, he’s probably mortified and you are NOT
helping. Refrain from using phrases like “it
happens to every guy”. Just move to other
activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn’t,
get off another way with him. He’s still capable of
getting you off. Mumbling “Forget it” and rolling
over are not ok.
50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman
equivalent of “was it good for you?”. Now is not a
good time to ask “What this means”. Right now, it
means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak
and a nap, perhaps not in that order.
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