Long time people
I’m now married with 6 kids
And u know how madam and 6 jnrs can take ur time…so forgive me…
I just realised that,
Whenever I write part two of a story ehn,
It feels like Nigerian film to me sometimes.
Like say @ d end,Make I write marketed and distributed by so and so…..
Maybe When I eventually finish putting together My novel and a collection of my stories, I’ll add that part at the end of the books and truly identify with those my men.
So y’all welcome
This is the part two of the hilarious �lily baptista”
Back by popular demand….
I realized many of you want to find out if I was eventually killed at my date with her.
Aya let’s go there…..
(Light dims,curtan opens)
There was contagious jubilation in the air….
Exams had finally ended.
You know how it feels don’t you?, Nothing beats that moment,
When all the tension that has held you for almost two weeks just disappears as you drop that pen and head for the exits of the examination Hall.
Smiles color all the faces you come across.
Friends talking excitedly,
And of course those ones when like house pass anything, are already packing their things and heading to the park…
Home sweet Home baybiii…
That’s the phrase on their lips.
This was the atmosphere around me o,
And like others My brothers and sisters. I was walking back to the hostel with my friends after a wonderful paper,
When I got a phone call.
The one that shattered my happiness
Killed my Joy,and buried all hopes of a fun filled after examinations I had planned.
It made me remember a promise I had made… One I wished I could renege.
My phone rang,
�Lean back” by fat joe and terror squad.
I struggled hard to find the phone which was deep inside my school bag.
When I brought it out and looked at the caller ID my heart melted.
Lilian Mechanical Engr
For those of us familiar with the part one of this story,
Remember I had promised her we would �hook up” after exams,
Well I thought it was one of those talks sha
But omo eh not for dis girl o
I picked up the call
And dat her ironically sweet voice came through the line �hei dearie”
dearie!!!!?????? Ah!!! Already? I have entered…. my Father!!!!! Dearie nibo??
�Hei, hi lilian” I replied in the calmest voice I could muster at that point, that would not show how weak I was.
�What’s up how was the paper” she asked.
�Fine o, It went very well,and yours?”
�Superb”, she replied
�Wow that’s good” I said.
�So I was thinking,like maybe we could hookup this night as planned earlier”
�Uhm!!! Ok no problem”
(And yes I know dats d wrong response but I dint have a choice. its lily-baptista na, if na u nko)
�Cool,eismann fries tonight by 7pm. Hope that’s cool for you sha”
�Yup 7pm is cool I’ll meet you there”
(If possible sef I fit reach der by 6:00pm sit down dey wait sef.. so wahala no go burst unto latecoming or something… I no want problem for this my young life)
When I ended the call,
My friends noticed immediately,my change in countenance, but by the time I was done explaining what just happened,we were the only ones walking home sad,among the pack that was making their way back to the hostel.
Time took the form of a snail and crawled slowly,enabling my imagination create different terrible scenarios of how the day would go.
I mean, whatever I was imagining was not so improper or was it? As in How many people do you know go out on dates with a girl that has a man-beating reputation.
What do we discuss?
What do I wear?
How will I die??
These and many more questions encircled my thoughts.
My world was silent in the prevailing after exam noise all around me.
My friends were looking at me with pitiful eyes, like the villagers in that movie igodo, unsure if I would make it back out of the evil forest….
And my alarm beeped 6:00pm, an hour to the time mein…..
I tried to dress up,
I wish this was ancient rome,
I would wear all them breast plates,carry my shield and all as I headed for the battle/date.
But since the reverse was the case,
I settled for my black customised shirt �boys are smilin joor” ,faded blue jeans and my black sneakers….
I was there….
Picked a seat close to the door… You understand right? Just In the eventuality, that I need to use it, it won’t be too far away.
She walks in…..
Carrying her spear,shield,and her breastplate. Her and some other philistines, ready to tear me, the little david up…
Don’t mind me,
This was one of the images I had pre concieved in my mind, but she shattered it all as my eyes rested on her…
She was Looking beautiful….
Compared to the girl I was expecting, this was some serious atomic change.
She was clad in a red short gown,that seemed to glow in the similitude of how angels are represented in movies….
It was Low cut at the front,revealing some cleaves,suffocating every part of her body,revealing a figure I and am sure the whole school had never noticed before due to her tom-boy outfits.
And to crown it all, whoever made her up that night must have a PhD. In cosmetics. Awesome Job.
I could not believe my eyes…
I was still there, in awe, trying to take this other worldly sight in,when she walked over and give me one 360 bear hug like that, and I felt somethings on my chest..choi!!!
I wanted to kneel down there and say �father Lord, why do you love me this much”.
I am actually gisting with her right now,
Its so easy for her to smile,
What to talk about is coming so easily, that I am wondering if aliens came and abducted the man-beating girl and replaced her with this charming thing in front of me just for this occassion…
She is currently telling me about her sisters,and what her family is structured like.
Now we’ve switched over to discussing about TV and I realize that we both like the papa ajasco show, and that we do not like the fact that the original guys had been replaced for some rumoured financial reasons.
She just said her favourite character is boy alinco.she just stood up to do his walk and this draws some serious laughter from me, and leaves others in eismann wondering what’s happening.
All in all guys I swear, I am really enjoying myself right now….
it would be that events took another turn. That something would happen that would make the aliens return the original baptista. That something from the past came back to haunt me. That I would eventually understand her on a deeper level.
I looked at my time
That’s over an hour gone already…
The way things were going, I wished time, and everything around me would just freeze leaving both of us as the only beings with mobile abilities.
I still don’t know why things can’t just keep being good for a long time. Because all I can remember is that something said drew a prolonged laughter between us and at that same moment I turned my eyes to look at the door, and I saw kachi walk in…
GHEN GHEN GHEN GHEN.
Just exactly who I did not need to see right now. But trust the mad girl to show up at the wrong time. I’ve just always known that girl has something wrong with her.
OMG!!! Mad girl,
She’ll spoil everything now.
Before I go on and on
Lemme answer your question…
Who (da heck) is kachi?
Kachi Samuel is
My Mad Ex-Girlfriend,
That girl almost stabbed me with a knife
She is really beautiful trust me. Slender black beauty,with Long legs, a dimple when she smiles, and just exactly the kind of face those delta soap people will consider just right to advertise with and sink in their message into the hearts of their consumers.
She is just the kind of girl you wanna take out and show off to your friends.
She’s a nice person but only when the wrong brain wires are not touching.
But when e touch eh…
How she transforms into the incredible hulk and starts scattering things eh is unbelievable. She will not care where she is or who is there. Especially when the transformation is fueled by jealousy.
Till date I don’t even know how we seperated.
Must be that day I wrote her name and put as prayer point in church.
If I continue to talk about the mad things
I saw in the 5months we dated eh….
This story no go finish….
So am sure u get the picture now,
Imagine what happens when that kinda girl walks in…..
I adjusted my face,
But she had seen me already.
She took of her shades,
Walked to where I was,
I could see the sparks flying out of her head as a result of the wrong brain wires touching again….
The girls were not smiling at all.
�Stephen” she said while clapping her hands,
�So this is it, eh!! This is what you left me for eh!!, you are a foolish fool” she said loudly and people looked around seeking who the foolish fool was…
�Calm down kay,don’t cause a scene here” I almost stuttered.
�Ooooo so you think this is a scene eh…you have not seen anything you hopeless idiot”
�Stephen, who is this and what is happening here” lilian asked.
I looked at her face, still calm at least that’s a good thing because if she also loses her temper,it will be that proverbial case of the elephants fighting and am sure you know who the grass is that will suffer.
�Lilian,this is my friend,kachi” I said
The slap landed faster than I had envisaged.
I knew it would come,because the mad girl is really used to letting slaps fly when she is angered. I had learnt to anticipate and dodge them, after a while we had been dating.
But I had not expected it this early.
It covered half my eyes,and raised my body temperature to a considerable level on the celsius scale.
Simultaneously also, I was seeing stars,and when my vision cleared a little, I noticed I was on the moon like neil armstrong,holding the Nigerian flag,and waving it.
Slowly,as I returned from the moon,
I saw kachi in front of lilian.
�For your information,I am his GIRLFRIEND,we have not broken up,we just took a break. So I advice you keep your filthy and stupid hands of him”
This girl sef,see the scene she was causing already. I wanted to say something but one look at lilian’s face,the anger building up on it, and remembering that the mad girl kachi could still slap again I held my peace.
�Please, don’t use such words on me, I don’t tolerate it” lilian replied rather calmly, and I was beginning to get really freaked out.
Kachi laughed mockingly, clapped her hands tauntingly and eyed lilian from head to toe
�Imagine this prostitute, and if I use them again what will happen, if I call you an idiot, a fool, a boyfriend snatcher, what will you do?”
I wanted to take a paper and pen,
And detail out to kachi the number of terrible things that could happen.
That her incredible hulk will change back to human and run away when lilian’s own incredible hulk comes out.
That instead of the �brief illness” usually written on most obituary poster as cause of death, if she continued, hers will be �prolonged beating”.
Lilian stood up,
Walked to kachi,
They were both looking each other eyeball to eyeball.
Where was I?
Trying to recover from the first slap o my people.
That thing was hot I swear.
�I told you I don’t permit such words on my person”
�And now I used them what can, and what will you do? You can’t do more than a dead rat”.
�Please don’t make me lose my temper. You won’t like it” lilian said and made to turn and walk away.
The mad girl drew her back.
And that must be a move she regrets till date.
Because it all happened quickly,
Loud and clear I saw it land on kachi’s face
But I still touched my face to be sure it had not landed on my face. maybe the first one had made me numb and lose my sense of feeling.
Seeing kachi stagger backwards I knew it was her.
No time to delay mein…
Lilian lurched at her. Another slap, a punch,and kachi was on the ground. Though she was flailing her hands frantically and desperately to try and scratch lilian.
Suddenly,I remembered I was a man, that I had to try and seperate or something.
I got in the middle somehow and was trying to pry lilian who was now ontop of kachi off.
This one landed at the exact centre of my cheeks,
Though I don’t know who it came from, the circumference of spread of the pain, was consistent with that of previous slaps I had gotten from kachi.
Dat lilian girl strong sha
I confirmed this when one other agile looking young man in the fastfood wanted to form �I can be your hero baby”. But after some scratches,slap and immensely futile effort to seperate lilian from kachi, the dude took a chill pill.
Like you see in professional wrestling,She turned kachi over,Bent her arm backwards,
And though I did not want to believe it I heard the mad one crying and begging.
Her incredible hulk had obviously taken flight at the sight of its boss.
�Now say I’m sorry” lilian said
�Iiiiii ammm so sooorrryyy” she replied.
�Now repeat after me, stephen”
�Stephen” kachi said
�I am very sorry”.
And d reply came promptly.
�I am the one that is a foolish fool”
Pride almost came in and that reply did not come so early. But when she twisted the hand a little more. It came out.
�I and my family are the ones that are foolish fools” she added to the reply. Anything I guess, to escape the pain.
�Till I die, I will never call anybody a prostitute again”
And kachi replied loudly, like a politician taking oath of office.
�Thank you aunty lilian for this lesson”
�Thank you aunty lilian for the lesson” kachi said.
�God bless you and your family, aunty lilian”
�God bless,prosper and increase you and your family aunty lilian,amen”
she stood up,
Looked at me,
Looked at kachi crying and whimpering on the ground.
And she ran out.
Ok I was tired of getting confused.
I tried to dust and help kachi up and she kicked me away.
So I ran out after lilian
And saw her at a dark corner,a safe distance from the fast food,
This is the part I could not understand.
What was she crying for.
I was scared of even going closer.
Incredible Hulks don’t cry do they?
I summoned courage
Walked towards her
�Lilian,am sorry for what just happened in there,I …..”
I did not complete it, when she flew on me and held me tightly while crying on my shoulder.
�I’m sorry stephen, I just embarassed you and myself in there, I just ruined our date,I just ruined everything” she said amidst sobs and tears
�No stephen am sorry,I should have just walked away,said nothing,done nothing, I feel terrible, I promised myself never to get into a fight, and I’ve not this semester..I’ve been trying to control it,but few people come close to me,few people understand me, am sorry am sorry stephen.”
And I repeated �its okay lilian” and was beginning to feel dumb.
And then she shocked me
She pulled away looked at me eyeball to eyeball
�Stephen, I like you a lot like I’ve never liked anybody before, please help me, be my friend, I don’t want to be that terrible girl everybody is scared of,some things happened in the past that made me this way, but I want to be better.I know as a girl am not supposed to share my feelings but I don’t want you to go away, just be my friend, my one friend.. Please”
Don’t worry I did not reply its okay again…
I just removed the �its” and said okay… And added I’ll be your friend, but there’s so many things you need to work on….
�Anything, I’ll do” she replied…
She’s giving me that look
You know that look that comes before a kiss happens right?
Or maybe its just me seeing things
Cos it seems our faces are moving close to each other
Like there is a magnetic field pulling it together
It just happened, did not last long though,
But she’s smiling
I can’t see my face, I hope I am smiling too.
�Don’t feel like going back to the hostel”
�Me too” I replied without thinking
�So where do we crash she asked”
�I have a place in mind”
And I called my guys offcampus
�Oboy,make una exile o I dey carry babe come back house o”
�Stevoooooooo!!!!! The ladies man,so you don discharge that girl,don track new babe now now now, who be the babe?”
This was the question I was waiting for…
�Omo na Lilian o, that mechanical babe”
And there was silence on the other end of the line…
My laughter was uncontrollable, as I imagined my guys, scared to death with the thought of lilian spending the Night….
I learnt from this episode
1.No matter how terrible looking, everybody has their soft spot. You just have to find it
2. Everyone can change, they just have to internally decide and externally work at making it happen.
3. Learn how to control your temper,nothing said or done while angry ever yields good results…
NB: make I sell myself small, I MC events, all kinds except burials and village meetings, and anywhere except … Anyways Hit me up here 08124434071 or 08034821954 or 08136603535
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