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Funny Stories from a Friend to His Many Friends

Uncle Stephen

SILAS

This is my first story for the Year, 2013
And it’s been wonderful making y’all laugh all through 2012
Thanks a lot.

I contemplated a lot on what to write about,
And then this my friend passed as I picked up my pen to start writing.
Eureka!!
I screamed
That’s what I should be writing about

I have this friend in my house
I call him ‘friend’ because I feel naturally inclined to ascribing that title to anyone, we cohabit a place.
Left to me though,
I’d rather he left the house.
Pains and problems he has caused me since I moved into this house, this service year, are innumerable.
Even You, who is currently consuming the contents of this write-up, would want the same if you were in my shoes.
They say it is only the person who wears the shoe, that knows where it pinches
Not this shoe mein!
Without wearing it, it pinches still.

My friend’s name is SILAS.
And silas is
A very very big RAT.

I have never been one to hate rats,
I hate roaches
And especially Lizards
But now!
Courtesy of Silas,
Rats top my animal hate list.

Lemme explain a little,
I stay in a 3 bedroom flat.
With this really huge living room.
I think Silas also paid rent for the house.
Although till date, I’m not clear which particular room he paid for (I have even been tempted to ask those jide taiwo people who leased the house), since he takes it in turn to crash in each room.
You never know its there until it starts running around, and making one annoying squeaky sound, that seems like it translates into “hei dude! Am having so much fuuuuuun! running around your room and disturbing your sleep” In english.

That’s not even the one that vexed me,
There’s this babe.
(Yes! I know some of you are already like smh for this dude girl inside rat story? I agree I like ladies a lot! Who doesn’t u hypocrite lol)
So as I was saying
There’s one babe eh!
Fresh ajebo corper girl like that.
She schooled at the University of Manchester.
Formerly, people like these used to get posted to only Lagos and Abuja.
But now? No Love mein!
In Fact it seems the farther away from this country you school,
The deeper the village they take you to.

She had baby-like Smooth skin, dimples when she smiles, and then this big geeky glasses that she wears, that gives her eyes a kind of light I like. Endowed behind but not so much in front. Not the type u would describe as tall but heels do a lot to change that for girls these days.

Her sonorous voice atop a foreign accent no doubt conferred on her by her schooling background,made me just love to listen to her.
I mean, Sometimes even when there is nothing to talk about, am tempted to give her a story book so she can read to me and I can continually hear that angelic voice Aint I just in Love?
Awwwwww!!!!

Pastor’s voice: Testimony time
Members: Blessing time

I have experienced way too many things I never thought would happen on their own accord without coercion eventually happen, that I’m now convinced beyond doubt that miracles are not a ruse.

Imagine o
I just dey my house jejely,
One evening that the Lord had made.
After months of being this romantic prince charming kinda dude and relentless setting of P, the manchester chick calls me up on the phone.
I thought it was gon be one of all these “hei stevy boo can u come out let’s hang out” call but omo this is the conversation that ensued.

‘Hello, stevy boo wassap’
‘Am fine babe’
‘Are You at Home’
‘Yes I am’ I replied
‘Hope, you won’t mind if I come and stay over I kinda need a change of environment’

Blood of Papa Ajasco!!!!!
Mind ke,
No no no
You that is reading this Chairman no vex abeg! Am I supposed to mind?
I don’t even have one mind now!
I was tempted to tell her sef that people complain about me that I don’t mind anything at all and it’s too much.
Dats my weakness babe!
(Sobs) I never ever mind anything, I’m sorry u had to find out this way.

Shet!
See groove!

I had been a perfect gentleman these past months.
Never bothered to try inviting her over,since she had subtly hinted her reservations with going to a guy’s place at the time when I newly met her.
I had resigned myself to the fact that either I would kidnap her or a miracle had to happen for her to come over talkless of stay over.
And my brothers and sisters from ma testimony above, miracles do happen LoL

‘How soon are you coming’ I asked
‘Now’ she replied
‘Praise the Lord’ I said to her.
‘What?’ She said

Naah!!!
Don’t mind me praise the lord ke?

Employing my previous experience with her, I deduced that the word ‘now’ would mean about an hour at most
And just like you would expect, my room was scattered.
I sounded the fire alarm
Rallied the troops(my flatmates)
“Guys that yankee babe dey come o”
Sharperly we proceeded to transform our barracks into a castle fit for my princess..

Old women are funny people,
I saw mama alex who always managed to sit on the corridor of their flat anytime a babe was coming around sitting there, looking with understanding at 3 corper boys cleaning their apartment, fetching water.
“Ekaale mummy!” I prostrated in the way that was customary for elders, on my way to buy air freshener (yes! Air freshener d house gast smell right na. Rme)

“Eheeeeen ekaaaale iyio corper” she replied making sure to stretch her words and endow me with the understanding that she knew what we were up to.

50 minutes Later,
I went to the gate, to bring her in.
Received my hug and proceeded to lead her past mama Alex.
“Evening ma” she greeted
“Evening yooo my daughter, how are u”
“Fine mummy”
“Una look alike o corper, is she your sister?” (smh for dis woman, how na? Am fair and d chick is chocolate)
“No mummy ore mi ni” (she’s ma friend)
“Ah! Ore e abi? Okay o corper friend you are welcome o. corper take care of her o”
“Yes ma”
And I walked away feeling her stare burn deep holes on my back.

We entered,
I introduced her to my guy’s, amidst laughter teasing and coded winking from the boys

Led her to my room
Excused myself, so she could maybe change, no be jeans she go wear sleep na abi? **raised eyebrow**
Went to the back to put on generator,
And another miracle happened
After 3 weeks of forgetting us,

UP NEPA.

Once more my people just bless the name of the Lord with me, just kneel down wherever u are right now and glorify Him.

She had to have her bath,
So I showed her to the bathroom,
She took of her clothes
And I started bathing her.
No time We badt like dat na..
I Pray say na wetin happen

Abegi
I Gave her all she would need,
Was chillin in the living room,
Told her to flash me, when she was done.

After some minutes,
Ma phone rang,
I excused myself and stepped into my room,
Damn!!!!!!!!!!

She had changed to bum short
And one spaghetti kinda top!
Omo! See fresh leg!
But a brother has gotta be a gentleman na
U know as e dey go.
So I had to form “mtchewww na today we don dey see fresh leg?”
But omo guy!!! to say d truth dis one no dey like others, LOL
If u See as leg fresh like em like eeeeeem like I no even know wetin to use compare Shet! Men!

I sat on the bed,
Keeping a safe distance
Patient dog eats fattest bone abi?
Shebi na so e spoz be na
Well,
We were gisting,laughing teasing each other
Before I know,
Her head don dey ma leg,
Issokay!
I just noticed she was comfortable around me,maybe she really needed the change of environment.

We walked out
Bought minerals and snacks
Ate, gist some more and then it was time to sleep.

This janded gals can be so polite eh!
She gave me a prolonged goodnight peck
Told me thanks for letting her stay over!
And den closed her eyes while facing me sha.
Hmmmmm
I stood up to get the lights,
And as I laid down back on the bed, not up to 5 minutes later.

GHEN GHEN
GHEN GHEN GHEN GHEN

Action time again. The pervs are already very happy, sorry to disappoint you, not that kind of action.

I heard a rustling sound,
Coming from one end of ma room, near where the wardrobe was situated.
I tried to force myself to believe it was not what I was thinking.
But no be Silas again?
Dude just gotta let me know say him don show, by making that hei dude squeaky sound, and running across again.

My mind,
Am like this bastard, you want to mess me up, anyway thank God the girl don sleep maybe before she wake the bas
“Stevy boo what’s making that sound” I heard her say cutting ma thoughts short.
“Nothing” I replied whilst trying to pet her back to sleep

E be like silas hear that nothing come vex
Cos he ran past again
“Jeez! Stevie please get the lights”

As I stood up to get the lights,
I tried to remember silas roster
Ma room was just day before yesterday
E suppose be like next two days before e appear for my room again na.
Which kain wahala be dis
U sure say that rat na rat sef?

I got the Lights,
The room was enveloped with silence

“The sound came from the wardrobe, please check it out Stevie, I pray it’s not a rat, I really detest rats”

shet!
Everything don cast
Cos na really rat!

As I neared the wardrobe,
Looking like an olden days hunter,
With only my boxers and bare chest,
Holding one small pako I got from my window,
I prayed the darned rat would just chill and not move, but for where???

Pzzzzzz!
It whizzed pass almost between my legs to the place where I had cartons stocked with books and my dirty clothes at the other part of the room

If u see as the girl screamed eh!
Like say she see anaconda.
Anyway I don’t blame her
Silas big abeg
Rat wen big like rabbit come agile on top

“Kill it Stevie” she screamed and jumped behind me
She don see ratslayer na smh!

I proceeded towards the book place
And it made to run towards the wardrobe
I tried to hit it!
I missed!
I had closed the wardrobe earlier so e just dey on top bed since ma room door was closed
It had been cornered.

I did not want to kill it while it was on my bed!
But d babe still dey my back dey shout “kill it! Kill it!”
In my mind I’m like babe cool down na I tell you say I be experienced rat killer? ahn! Ahn!

I took in silas full length
The rat weigh abeg
I tried to form ‘shoo shoo’ to see if it would run to a place where I could eventually kill it!

But I dunno If you have actually experienced trying to pursue or shoo away a rat or any other animal,
And it just stays there looking at you
One kind wicked fear like that go enter your body!
Na wetin happen that day be that!

Mr silas no gree move one inch!
My guy I begin ask myself some deep questions.
You sure say na ordinary rat be dis?
Or maybe as we see in nigerian movies,maybe na human being wen change to rat!
Is possible na

I been dey shout the shooo!
But as fear enter me! Because the rat no gree move Omo my shoo! reduce to like sh sh

My room door swung open..
My flatmates had heard the girl screaming and sought to find out what’s up!
Silas moved immediately towards the door!
Me self one form hero say make I dive hit the bastard make d babe sef believe small!

As I jumped,
Stick in full force, aimed in silas direction,

DOWN NEPA!!!

My stick landed on something soft and fleshy
I wanted to feel like one bad assassin who hits his target, until one of ma flatmates screamed!

“HeiiIiiiiiiiiiiiiii I don die!”

And I realised I had just planked the hell outta his feet!

Our Nokia torch phones came on!
Illuminating the room!
My guy was deep in pains
And when they both realised the reason for all the upheaval? They resolved enough was enough for that Silas, this night!

They had both had their fair share of Silas

The guy whose leg I planked out had his last two months NYSC clearance letter eaten up by Silas
And he went through hell to get another one.

The other dude, always left edibles in his room, and we always teased him, that he was responsible for the rat getting to that size. He was also the source of the rat’s name. His dog at home was named Silas. So as na him food the rat dey always chop, e come be like na him dey train the rat.
So we named the rat after his dog.

We had tried rat poison, rat traps, everything touted to have the ability to kill rodents, had been employed.
But not Silas men!
The guy na die hard!

As they left to search the entire house aiming to kill the rat, I had the sole task of comforting the chick.

The girl was visibly shaken,
“That rat is so big” she said in a near tear filled voice

I tried to calm her down
Get her to get some sleep
But no way,
How she go even sleep on top bed when rat been dey form jack bauer.
So we both settled for the ground.
The darkness was not helping matters
And the foolish generator no gree start!

She managed to sleep a little.
And den from the parlour I heard some pounding and ‘nak am, kill am’ screams.
I stood up and went there to see my flatmates,
Also looking like ancient hunters wearing Only boxers, especially the one who I planked his leg with his hairy chest!

“Una don kill am?” I asked
“E be like o” the planked guy replied
There was a huge trail of blood
But no dead silas
So we safely assumed that at last,
With losing that much blood it must have died.

I went back to my nursing duties
Being awake
And forming security cos the babe was awake again and could not fall back asleep.
I have never seen anybody that is this scared of rats my entire life!
I go ask am one day wetin rats really do am.
Ehen na e reach to ask.
Na around 6 the next morning
When everywhere was a little lighted up
Naim she really sleep.
And by 8 she was off!

As she pecked me, again and entered bike.
As the bike drove off, I knew with certainty that if she ever needed to change environments again, my place was out of it!

For like two months now,
We have not seen Silas again
We assumed it had finally died
Only for me to want to start another story
And my ‘friend’ showed up again
Like terminator is back!

And that is my story!
I need help my people
Any solution to the problem is welcome.
If you know like some rat-busters or you have a strong pastor or anything that can help, drop your comments or please call me here 08124434071
Because that babe is coming back in January!
After much convincing.
I no need any wahala again.
Abeg!

Uncle Stephen
@itsunclestephen
30e02539
[email protected]
08124434071

Long Live Nigeria

2 comments

  1. Loooool……….hilarious!!!!!!!!u shud prolly try rat gum

  2. Loooool……….hilarious!!!!!!!!u shud prolly try rat gum ,odawise d chik wud neva cme to ur house again

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