‘Did you.. what were you?’ Her eyes darting from side to side, as she soon saw her diary; she scrambled to the floor clutching the diary to her bosom as she hastily got up from the bed, her hands trembling as she threw the diary into her wardrobe closing it with a banging sound, she fumbled with the keys in a bid to lock wardrobe, as though her actions would erase all I have read.
‘I.. I..’I started to deny it but soon realized it was pointless
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ I asked with a deep breath, my face crumpled in anger, suddenly filled with so much disgust.
‘How much did you read? Why did u read my diary?’ she held onto my shirt in a desperate plea
‘Is that the point?!” with a raised voice, I disentangled her hands from my shirt almost roughly, perhaps if I had waited a bit more, just a teensy time, before I made my next remark, things wouldn’t be as bad as I write my story now, perhaps she would have confessed it all but my anger was greater than reason,
‘Is that why you wouldn’t let me touch you?!’ I said ‘you promised to tell me everything, now I find out you are a lesbian, how do I know you are really a virgin and it is not just another lie? What do you expect from me now?’
I saw a quick relief in her face and I questioned how much I thought I knew, Then I realized that I shouldn’t have been so hasty in speaking, I should have let her make a clean breast of herself, perhaps she would have told me everything without realizing it, but what could possibly be worse than my discovery I thought ‘please is there something else I should know?’ I asked desperately
‘There is nothing, and am sorry for not telling you, but I swear.. I am fighting, in fact I have changed ‘she started to hold my hand but I merely pushed her and I was out of her house.
As I sauntered on the street, various thoughts ran across my mind. I knew she was not to blame, Aunty Bridget, the name reverberated in my head, I imagined the hatred as a big monster in me. I almost tripped twice, staggering as though I was drunk; I walked as though I hadn’t a care in the world. I could not wait to get home as uncontrollable tears started to roll down my eyes. I walked faster, not counting my steps, those who cared to look, must think I was drunk or suffering from weeks of starvation, I staggered all the way home, The painful thud of my chest hammering furiously, I wished it would stop, but every step was just a reminder, I couldn’t bear the thought, the love of my life was sexually attracted to her fellow girls, she loved them, I was just an instrument to help in change.
I started to unlock my door clumsily as I got home, very relieved, but found out it was already open.
‘Hey Onyi’ I was shocked to see onyinye in my home, I wanted to ask her what she was doing in my house, who gave her my room key but I just slumped on the bed, merely taking notice of her, in fact nothing mattered.
‘Is there a problem, why..? Are you sick? Your eyes..’
I wished she would leave me alone, I kept mute not responding, Onyi was a girl that always cared for me, not in the friends sense but the lovers sense, but I didn’t feel same, even though we were friends, she was the wrong person for this discussion. I felt a deep prerequisite to lift this load from my chest but I was definitely not going to cry to a girl who sincerely liked me and I dashed her hopes to the floor by dating Sarah, although she was with my roommate, Mark, I could still feel her eyes on me from time to time, she definitely still liked me.
‘What are you doing in this house? Mark is not around’ I did not let her reply before I continued ‘please leave’ I said rudely turning my back to her and covering my body with a sheet, I would discuss the issue of giving our room keys to our girlfriends to enter as they pleased with mark.
‘Why? What have I ever done to you? What happened to us?’
‘There was no us!’ I shouted, she was not the reason for my annoyance, it was wrong taking it out on her, but I knew she wouldn’t stop, I did not want to say anything I would regret later so I stood up briskly, I decided if she wasn’t going to leave the house, I would leave the house.
‘David..’ she held my hands in a silent plea, caressing them gently, I knew her intent
What I write now, I do not write for pity, but it is as it happened.. you are depressed and engulfed with anger, it is over pouring within you, and you have a deep need to bring it out, and then a girl holds your hand and caresses it gently all the way beneath your shirt to your nipples, ever so gently and like a man possessed you suddenly drag her to you, and press your lips to her, but it is not as she thought it would be, you are rough, like a demon had taken hold of you, you are tearing at her clothes and soon she is protesting but you cannot hear a single word.
‘Is this not what you wanted?’ my voice husky, my hands tearing at her pants roughly
‘it is but..’
‘Shut up and let me give you your desire’ I pushed her to the bed and quickly undid my trousers.
‘No.. Please.. Not this way..’ she tried to get up but I was stronger
I couldn’t hear whatever it was she said, I knew I was doing the wrong thing, but like a man possessed, I couldn’t control my actions, soon I was on her, hitting as hard and deep as my anger was, it was after I was done I realized myself.
‘You are a beast!!’ She shouted slapping me very hard on my cheeks and started to sob, curling herself to a ball, I deserved much more than that.
‘am sorry’ I murmured, I didn’t know where to start begging from, I tried to embrace her but she fought me off, I held her more tightly, soon she was no longer fighting, only sobbing out loud.
Ring! Ring! my phone rang, I knew who it was, Sarah.. I looked at the crying girl in my arms and thought about my roommate, Mark, I thought about his reactions when he found out what I had done, I thought about how lonely Sarah must be, she needed all the support to win over her nemesis, I couldn’t blame her for something she had no control over, my phone rang on, I discerned she wouldn’t stop or else I picked.. I have committed what may be the greatest mistake of my life..
Written By Amaka
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